So your husband has done the unthinkable and had an affair. You
wonder if you will survive his adultery and more importantly how you
will survive it. Will you be able to forgive him or is this the end of
your marriage? How do you know whether you can forgive a cheating
partner?
1) Is he a habitual adulterer? A husband who has never cheated on you before is very different from one who has had a string of affairs. Is this the first time he has cheated on you and is he really sorry about it? Is he sorry enough to give her up and to make a decision never to do it again? If he is then your relationship can be saved and you may be able to forgive him. If on the other hand he has a history of cheating or he is not sorry that he cheated but makes brazen light of it; then forgiving such a cheating partner may be impossible unless you want to live with adultery as the third partner in your relationship. Forgiveness in these instances is not possible because a man with a history of cheating will repeat his behavior unless something drastic happens to him. And a partner who is not really sorry simply does not see anything wrong with his cheating and will thus cheat on you again when the opportunity presents itself. For you to determine if forgiveness is possible you must of necessity be brutally honest with yourself. You cannot make excuses for him but you must see him for what he is. It was not the other women's faults or the alcohol or whatever circumstances that were there...he is just a cheating partner.
2) Is he willing to make up for his unfaithfulness? Adultery undermines the trust that you had in him and it changes your relationship forever since it totally changes your perspective of him and your relationship. Is he willing to do all that he can to rebuild your trust in him or does he want to continue in his old ways as you somehow 'get over' the adultery? To rebuild your trust he will have to open up his life to you and to walk with you as you deal with the insecurities that his cheating has created in your heart. To forgive a cheating partner requires that your now repentant partner teams up with you to rebuild what the adultery destroyed. If however your husband just wants to go back to the pre-adultery days without him doing any rebuilding of what was destroyed then forgiveness cannot occur and if you agree to such an arrangement then mistrust and suspicion will haunt you every day that you are with him and emotionally you will be stuck at his infidelity since you have really not dealt with it. It will always simmer just below the surface threatening your health, your peace of mind, your self esteem and your joy.
3) Are you able to let the adultery go? Adultery changes the way that you see your partner and your relationship; can you live with this new reality? He is not who you thought he was and your relationship was not as solid as you thought; can you accept that as your truth? If you can then you can forgive a cheating partner. If however you cannot accept this as your new reality and your one burning thought and desire is to get things back to how they were before the adultery then you cannot forgive a cheating partner since you refuse to face reality. To forgive a repentant cheating partner you must, as a necessity, accept that core things have forever changed in your relationship.
4) Are you willing to work at rebuilding your relationship? Your relationship will not just recover spontaneously after adultery. You will have to work with your now repentant partner to rebuild whatever was destroyed. This means that you must give your partner room to change and not give in to your now irrational fears of his continued cheating. You have to hold him accountable without wanting a second-by-second break down of all his time away from you. Giving him room to change means that you don't hold the adultery over him every time he does something wrong. You must be willing to leave the adultery in the past by not bring it up in conversations or in your thoughts. It will take your time and energy to do this and you must persist in it until healing occurs in your heart. Is this something that you are willing to commit yourself to do? If you are not willing then you cannot forgive him.
To forgive a cheating partner you must have all the 4 steps in place otherwise the adultery will continue to haunt you and to occupy a place of prominence in your life and relationship. Forgiveness allows you to grow and change from the experience but to also leave the adultery in the past.
1) Is he a habitual adulterer? A husband who has never cheated on you before is very different from one who has had a string of affairs. Is this the first time he has cheated on you and is he really sorry about it? Is he sorry enough to give her up and to make a decision never to do it again? If he is then your relationship can be saved and you may be able to forgive him. If on the other hand he has a history of cheating or he is not sorry that he cheated but makes brazen light of it; then forgiving such a cheating partner may be impossible unless you want to live with adultery as the third partner in your relationship. Forgiveness in these instances is not possible because a man with a history of cheating will repeat his behavior unless something drastic happens to him. And a partner who is not really sorry simply does not see anything wrong with his cheating and will thus cheat on you again when the opportunity presents itself. For you to determine if forgiveness is possible you must of necessity be brutally honest with yourself. You cannot make excuses for him but you must see him for what he is. It was not the other women's faults or the alcohol or whatever circumstances that were there...he is just a cheating partner.
2) Is he willing to make up for his unfaithfulness? Adultery undermines the trust that you had in him and it changes your relationship forever since it totally changes your perspective of him and your relationship. Is he willing to do all that he can to rebuild your trust in him or does he want to continue in his old ways as you somehow 'get over' the adultery? To rebuild your trust he will have to open up his life to you and to walk with you as you deal with the insecurities that his cheating has created in your heart. To forgive a cheating partner requires that your now repentant partner teams up with you to rebuild what the adultery destroyed. If however your husband just wants to go back to the pre-adultery days without him doing any rebuilding of what was destroyed then forgiveness cannot occur and if you agree to such an arrangement then mistrust and suspicion will haunt you every day that you are with him and emotionally you will be stuck at his infidelity since you have really not dealt with it. It will always simmer just below the surface threatening your health, your peace of mind, your self esteem and your joy.
3) Are you able to let the adultery go? Adultery changes the way that you see your partner and your relationship; can you live with this new reality? He is not who you thought he was and your relationship was not as solid as you thought; can you accept that as your truth? If you can then you can forgive a cheating partner. If however you cannot accept this as your new reality and your one burning thought and desire is to get things back to how they were before the adultery then you cannot forgive a cheating partner since you refuse to face reality. To forgive a repentant cheating partner you must, as a necessity, accept that core things have forever changed in your relationship.
4) Are you willing to work at rebuilding your relationship? Your relationship will not just recover spontaneously after adultery. You will have to work with your now repentant partner to rebuild whatever was destroyed. This means that you must give your partner room to change and not give in to your now irrational fears of his continued cheating. You have to hold him accountable without wanting a second-by-second break down of all his time away from you. Giving him room to change means that you don't hold the adultery over him every time he does something wrong. You must be willing to leave the adultery in the past by not bring it up in conversations or in your thoughts. It will take your time and energy to do this and you must persist in it until healing occurs in your heart. Is this something that you are willing to commit yourself to do? If you are not willing then you cannot forgive him.
To forgive a cheating partner you must have all the 4 steps in place otherwise the adultery will continue to haunt you and to occupy a place of prominence in your life and relationship. Forgiveness allows you to grow and change from the experience but to also leave the adultery in the past.
However if you and your partner just seem to be a mismatch then use these simple compatibility tests
to know if your problem is that you are simply incompatible but if your
partner is a mystery to you then I would recommend these relationship questions to help you understand him and know whether your relationship can or should be saved.
Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.
Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Rosy_Anderson/694214
Rosy Anderson is a researcher in social economic issues and the way they affect decision making; and she enjoys writing and being in healthy, happy relationships.
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